Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Friday, July 22, 2005
Enough to cream me queer...
I came out of the cellar,
said cellar being after
a drunken morning
when I should have been sober. I opened the door...
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
In The Cup / Out Of Control
IT WOULD BE a pyrrhic victory, indeed;
The murder of my roommate...
Worse would be the septic verse,
according to the fractured lines above.
What is only slightly worse is the almost inevitable chance to replace the mindless 40-something gnome with which I reluctantly share air space, with a far worse CROWD of dreadful bunkmates - behind iron bars!
But self-restraint has become all but unbearable to moi. My quasi-american mind screams for the satisfaction of immediate gratification: a few quick strokes of an icepick, or the surprise of a sheet over its, erm, HER, sleeping body while that nightly stream of noisy saliva attempts to terminally anchor those final screams what any sane bastard would wish were quickly muffled by the smelly pillow, the one upon which the decrepit creature's head-esque shoulder-globe once negligently rested...
NO! OH, No... Loki save me from the fire of impulsive desire. Shiva spare me the creeping want of fatal satisfaction. Apollo speed from me the sapphic melodrama that I would scribble, had I any idea of choriamb, spondee, trochee, or accentual metre, let alone lesbianism...
(AHEM)
(Oh, yeah...) Save me from that which is a fate worse than any slow, state-sanctioned death!
As one can observe from the statically ambulatory douche balloon photos offered above and below, the problem persists. Creeping, indeed, day by day.
My dilemma, dear readers, remains the same as when I first realised the bind that implored some sort of release: my roommate is too sensitive - as well as remarkably immature - to endure the least criticism regarding her vast repertoire of bad habits, lack of hygiene, and, OH! - noxious expungement.
Yet, she is so blatant in her reprehensible behaviour as to beg the question: What the fuck is so wrong with a person that it daily, sometimes HOURLY, happily attempts to prompt discussion about being bloodily bloated, about enduring a yeasty itchiness, about how it's "gonna take a dump"?! (More on that latter, turgid topic.) It has been told before - in person as well as in writing - and yet it does no more than laugh off the caveats. And take on new ways of being outrageously, overtly offensive in its unhygienic manner. And remain aloof of the basic ways of even the most mindless humans.
Oh, The Horror. THE HORROR!
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Douche Bag
AH, IT IS Friday morning, I am up early. Yet am not at all too crotchety, for the weather is cool despite it being the middle of July, the rain is coming down as if Al Queda planned it...and my roommate has just finished regaling me with not only an inadvertently insouciant description of the her recently acquired yeasties but how it so itches. I truly wish she were deaf and mute; at least she would have had to use her hands to convey the dreadful tale about her itchy cunt rather than digitally oblige the dreadful itch while she pontificated on about her vaginal discomfort!
I AM JUST A ROOMMATE!!! What the fuck possesses the tiny mind of this 42-year-olde fustilug to divulge every development that occurs in her unfucked crotch?! Even were I a female acquaintance, I doubt I would want to hear about it.
Am I correct, ladies?
Although a man, I am no stranger to the vagina. Unless the other is my lover, however, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT GOES ON IN ONE'S HOLE(S)! It is bad enough that the mannerless swat what inhabits the rat's nest that is the other room in our Brooklyn four-floor walk-up refuses to shut the god-damned toilet door, but that is for another day.
Ahem...
To add to my horror, it turned out to be a two-pronged attack.
She subconsciously - or so I would like to believe - flanked me.
Even in her very absence
she is incorrigibly revolting.
Saturday morning, and I saunter into the toilet to do what any human - as well as the occasional paleolithic palestinian - performs in order to face the day relatively unfettered and seemingly clean. As I start the shower, splash some water on my face and prepare to disrobe that I may fully appreciate the luke-warm water spraying hither and anon from the crusty showerhead, my eyes are brutalised by the sight of my favourite tea cup sitting on the sill of the tiny window - beside a giant white douche bottle! Staggering back, I spin and then lurch forward into the living room to find and finally strangle the yeast-stricken bitch. In my rage I kick a small box that, like too many other items before it, has been left in the middle of the fucking thoroughfare not unlike a brain-damaged five-year-olde child would have done.
It is the douche box!
Oh, how I wish I had the clap, or some other, ANY other, drippy dick disease, that I could reciprocate her announcements about her not-so-private aperture. Oh, how I would sling my ropey strings of diseased semen on her computer keyboard!
Alas, I am bereft of any such ailment. The lack of an icky weapon, as well as the absence of my wretched roommate, leaves me suddenly empty. The rage is gone, the homicidal desire has retreated to await a better day, and the cat is in the corner. His back is arched, his tail fearfully straight and his eyes as big as the yeast-flushing plastic baster that initially prompted me to go berserk.
I retire to the toilet to discharge my duties as plaintively, quickly, and quietly as possible.
I AM JUST A ROOMMATE!!! What the fuck possesses the tiny mind of this 42-year-olde fustilug to divulge every development that occurs in her unfucked crotch?! Even were I a female acquaintance, I doubt I would want to hear about it.
Am I correct, ladies?
Although a man, I am no stranger to the vagina. Unless the other is my lover, however, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT GOES ON IN ONE'S HOLE(S)! It is bad enough that the mannerless swat what inhabits the rat's nest that is the other room in our Brooklyn four-floor walk-up refuses to shut the god-damned toilet door, but that is for another day.
Ahem...
To add to my horror, it turned out to be a two-pronged attack.
She subconsciously - or so I would like to believe - flanked me.
Even in her very absence
she is incorrigibly revolting.
Saturday morning, and I saunter into the toilet to do what any human - as well as the occasional paleolithic palestinian - performs in order to face the day relatively unfettered and seemingly clean. As I start the shower, splash some water on my face and prepare to disrobe that I may fully appreciate the luke-warm water spraying hither and anon from the crusty showerhead, my eyes are brutalised by the sight of my favourite tea cup sitting on the sill of the tiny window - beside a giant white douche bottle! Staggering back, I spin and then lurch forward into the living room to find and finally strangle the yeast-stricken bitch. In my rage I kick a small box that, like too many other items before it, has been left in the middle of the fucking thoroughfare not unlike a brain-damaged five-year-olde child would have done.
It is the douche box!
Oh, how I wish I had the clap, or some other, ANY other, drippy dick disease, that I could reciprocate her announcements about her not-so-private aperture. Oh, how I would sling my ropey strings of diseased semen on her computer keyboard!
Alas, I am bereft of any such ailment. The lack of an icky weapon, as well as the absence of my wretched roommate, leaves me suddenly empty. The rage is gone, the homicidal desire has retreated to await a better day, and the cat is in the corner. His back is arched, his tail fearfully straight and his eyes as big as the yeast-flushing plastic baster that initially prompted me to go berserk.
I retire to the toilet to discharge my duties as plaintively, quickly, and quietly as possible.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Eater
My roommate's so stupid
She failed to see a coffin
outside the turkish restaurant
by which she walks
no less than
four fuckin' times
a day,
every day,
goddamit.
It drives me to scribble such wretched verse as that which you have had to endure, dear reader.
Is there any better reason to leave off from a lousy roommate, than her eye-opening ignorance what compels me to pen not so eloquently as I do, now, about the bleeding obvious? And in case my meagre words fail to make a case, then let me introduce a couple thousand words:
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Vocabulary, Schmocabulary
I HAVE not taken the time to count if it is as little as I have to some folk posited, but I imagine that "120" is nevertheless a liberal amount in respect to my wretched roommate's almost total vocabulary. Of course, this does not include her alarmingly loud non-verbal expressions, even if some might argue that they indeed should be counted as such.
She is never at a loss to quickly identify anything as “thingy,” nor will she not hesitate to employ “thingy” as a noun, verb or accident. Even things she sees daily and should not fail to know how to properly identify, are granted her gutteral recourse to “cute”: the teevee, a dropped shoe, a clove of garlic, one of the few forks she has not thrown away during a daily “cleaning attack” (more on THAT social disease in a future post), her remaining Cat. The list of things she calls “thingy” is as long as her memory is short.
Another atrocious aspect – one worse than even the above attempted alliteration – is her odious reflection of any supposed dust-up, as a “hairball.” From the U.S.’ involvement in Iraq, to the slightest allusion of misapprehension between two closely packed straphangers in that infrequent albeit inevitable moment when one or the other jockeys for position just as the train jerks out of the station, it is no less and no more than a “hairball.”
When her butt erupts, so does her ass: “That’s what I think of that!” she cleverly opines. And just in case all two of us fail to appreciate her wit, she performs this clever line several times a day, every day. Such sagacity is often prompted by a remark shouted by one of the screaming heads on the news channels she perpetually patronises (such as Fox or MSNBC). Sometimes she even exhibits her digital dexterity by forming her fingers into a fleshy “gun”! But we are always granted her gleeful explosion of laughter immediately afterward, an expression which is best described by that Cleesian phrase, ”Like a seal being machine-gunned.”
She is never at a loss to quickly identify anything as “thingy,” nor will she not hesitate to employ “thingy” as a noun, verb or accident. Even things she sees daily and should not fail to know how to properly identify, are granted her gutteral recourse to “cute”: the teevee, a dropped shoe, a clove of garlic, one of the few forks she has not thrown away during a daily “cleaning attack” (more on THAT social disease in a future post), her remaining Cat. The list of things she calls “thingy” is as long as her memory is short.
Another atrocious aspect – one worse than even the above attempted alliteration – is her odious reflection of any supposed dust-up, as a “hairball.” From the U.S.’ involvement in Iraq, to the slightest allusion of misapprehension between two closely packed straphangers in that infrequent albeit inevitable moment when one or the other jockeys for position just as the train jerks out of the station, it is no less and no more than a “hairball.”
When her butt erupts, so does her ass: “That’s what I think of that!” she cleverly opines. And just in case all two of us fail to appreciate her wit, she performs this clever line several times a day, every day. Such sagacity is often prompted by a remark shouted by one of the screaming heads on the news channels she perpetually patronises (such as Fox or MSNBC). Sometimes she even exhibits her digital dexterity by forming her fingers into a fleshy “gun”! But we are always granted her gleeful explosion of laughter immediately afterward, an expression which is best described by that Cleesian phrase, ”Like a seal being machine-gunned.”
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